A new journey
What a journey it’s been since yoga first became part of my life. I could have never predicted how the practice would change me or what a huge part of my life it would eventually become.
I took my very first yoga class on January 18, 2011. I graduated from my very first yoga teacher training on December 30, 2012. Since then, I have expanded my knowledge by participating in dozens of trainings, immersions, retreats, workshops, and private lessons, benefiting both my personal practice and my teaching. As of 2020, I have taught over 5,000 hours of yoga in the form of group classes, workshops, trainings, retreats, immersions, and one-on-one sessions.
I look back on my journey that led me to where I am right now, and I feel so proud of everything I have accomplished. I feel grateful for all of my teachers to be a recipient of their guidance. I feel privileged to be in a situation where "following your dream" could be a real thing, and feel lucky to be surrounded by so many people who support the chase.
For most of my adult life, I have been sleep deprived, and I know I'm not alone. Our society thrives on Starbucks coffees, sugar-filled energy drinks, and burning-the-candle-from-both-ends types of lifestyles. Over committing, over promising, and under delivering. That's the American dream! ...Right?
There was a period of my life, mostly from my late teens to mid twenties, when I never slept. When my life was one big party and the only way I made it to the next party was by napping. In college, I thrived on procrastinating my school work by pulling all nighters. I once wrote a 25 page paper on the night before it was due from 1am-4am. I got a B+. It's what I did, and really, it's all I knew.
Although I have always really enjoyed sleeping, there was a long period of time where I wasn't getting much of it. As a result, I was sick a lot. I regularly felt terrible because I was always tired and always sick. I was so sick that I actually had my tonsils removed at the age of twenty because I was getting strep throat so often, my tonsils had swelled so large that they were touching to the point that I was having trouble swallowing and breathing. It was as painful and gross as it sounds.
Whenever anyone (and "anyone" was usually my mom) questioned my lifestyle and lack of sleep, I would always respond the same way: "I'll sleep when I die."
The Struggle is Very Real
This year has been an interesting one. Interesting is probably the only word that really describes all of the highs and all of the lows that I have experienced. There has been a whole lot of loss and a surprisingly balance of gains. Some moments have been traumatic and depressing, while others have been wonderful and amazing.
Truthfully, I am still processing everything, so I’m not here to write about it. Instead, I’m here to tell you that my body is fucked up. I’m here to tell you that my practice has suffered. I’m here to tell you that I have contemplated quitting teaching yoga all together on several occasions this year.
There was a period of time this year where I didn’t practice at all for over two months. My body didn’t allow it, and my mind missed it. When I finally got back to my mat after my time away, it was like my first time ever practicing. My hamstrings and calves felt as tight as they did during my first year of practicing yoga. My upper body and core felt weak. And my bandhas? Well, let’s just say they took a long term vacation and haven’t returned yet.
As a yoga student, you have a lot of choices when it comes to your yoga practice. If you live near a city, you probably have dozens of yoga studios within just a five mile radius. There are various styles of yoga, not to mention thousands of yoga teachers ready to teach you.
With so many choices, I find that there are few consistencies among teachers and studios, even within the same lineage. Each teacher has their own unique style and their own preferences, and the same goes for studios. I often receive questions from students along the lines of, "This teacher said to do it this way, but you said to do it that way. Which way is correct?" For that question, I almost always have the same answer, which is that both ways are correct, because usually they are. I encourage students to try whatever their teacher suggests, as long as it doesn't cause pain or put the student at risk for injury. At some point, you'll find the method that's preferable, at which point you can stick with that.
When I think about how to be a great yoga student, I don't really think about what shape your body is making while you practice yoga. Instead, I mostly think about how you show up on your mat. I think about how you respect your body and your mind. I think about your ability to be mindful and your ability to breathe. I think about your ability to just show up -- which for most of us, is usually the hardest part.
When I think about how to be a great yoga student, here are a few things that I consider "good practices" for ensuring that you have a great yoga experience.
Show up. Do something.
I love the practice of yoga because every single time I step onto my mat, I experience something completely unique. With Ashtanga, my practice looks similar from day-to-day, and of course I experience my share of consistencies and progress, but my body and mind always feels just a little bit different during each practice.
Some days, I show up on my mat and have to convince myself to complete just one sun salutation. Once I've done one, I can usually convince myself to do five sun salutation A's and five sun salutation B's. Before I know it, I've practiced every pose in the primary series and am ready for savasana.
The days that I get on my mat with no expectations are sometimes the days when I have my best practices.
In early 2011, I met a friend for dinner and we we talked extensively about our training for an upcoming race. I mentioned that all the running I was doing was making me feel really stiff, and she mentioned that she had started taking yoga classes recently to aid in her recovery time between runs. I always wanted to try yoga, but never knew where to go for a class, and with all the running I was doing, it seemed hard to fit it into my schedule. I was curious though, so I found time to fit in a yoga class the very next day.
On the night of Tuesday, January 18, 2011, I walked into Dana Hot Yoga to practice yoga for the very first time. About half way through class, I remember feeling incredibly challenged. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, it was blazing hot, and I wasn’t as flexible or strong as I had once thought I was. In summary: I was getting my ass totally handed to me!
Wait for it...
For the last year and a half, my yoga practice has been almost exclusively Ashtanga. Some days it's feels amazing and other days it's a hot mess! Lately, I have been working into deeper backbends, including dropping back from standing into urdhva dhanurasana (wheel pose) and standing back up.
Although I'm not quite there independently, I am very comfortable doing this with the assistance of my teacher, Caroline. For whatever reason, there is a lot of fear in this movement for me, so it was a pretty big deal when I dropped back to floor all by myself last week! The first time was witnessed by my teacher (yay!) and the second time was during my home practice.
And now off with the pants.
Last year, I wrote Why I'm going shirtless which details my personal struggle with body image. If you haven't yet read it, start there, then come back and continue reading.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to accept the way my body looks. Specifically, I struggle with how my stomach looks. Not that I think I am fat (although I previously thought that I was), but that I don't like the way I look or how I feel. As a perfectionist, I never quite feel good enough.
Do you know what I mean?
If you have been following my blog, you have probably noticed that I have developed a real LOVE (or obsession) with Ashtanga Yoga. Ashtanga has changed the way I practice yoga, and as a result, has changed my life. My intuition was screaming at me to explore this love for Asthanga, so I did, and earlier this month, I completed a 40 hour Ashtanga Yoga Teacher Training with David Swenson.
If you have no idea who David Swenson is, please do yourself a favor and google him. He is an internationally known, incredibly intelligent yoga teacher, and is one of the first American students to practice Ashtanga Yoga. His teacher was the the one and only, Shri K. Pattabhi Jois.
I believe in lots of things. Things that perhaps seem small, simple, or meaningless -- at least to some -- but are important to me.
I believe that anything is possible. I believe that we should practice the impossible until something more impossible takes its place. I believe that practicing anything with that type of attitude and commitment makes it possible to believe that anything is possible.
I believe that there are no mistakes in life. You reading this blog post is not a mistake, it is not by accident, nor is it a coincidence. Everything in life is on purpose.